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Sunbeam

by Kirsten Ludwig

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1.
Less 02:46
When I first met you I was still coming down Ice cold and over it With nothing more to lose Nothing could have prepared Me for how sweet The way you'd interrupt a Bad batch of years After I (After I, after I) Watch the way (Watch the way, watch the way) How you give (How you give, how you give) I feel less like them Sometimes I'm distant But you find a way To rearrange my emptiness And turn it into space All these days inside They become one sound There's no ceiling to the Echo of your love After I (After I, after I) Watch the way (Watch the way, watch the way) How you give (How you give, how you give) I feel less and less like them Your warmth wraps around me I can't get enough Day after day It's never too much I almost forget The way I'd sink away Heavy and knowing Lonely and floating
2.
Listening back I had so much to say To cover up the hurt To find some sort of power in my words If only I could accept, I The way things were The way they were left Everything about me Feels so strange On the outside On a different page And there's no way For me to actually be Exactly how you Choose to see me Something about Being locked away in the house It's everyday going On and on and on and on and on Thinking about Every last thing Spending too much time in my head I can't do anything Everything about me Feels so strange On the outside On a different page And there's no way For me to actually be Exactly how you Choose to see me Listening back I had so much to say To cover up the hurt It went on and on and on and on Thinking about Every last thing Spending too much time In my head again
3.
Sunbeam 03:08
As I flip the blinds Open to the light And my eyes begin to rest On some average apartments Sunbeam On my face A golden dream To match its pace The sidewalks are all hooded In a way I can't achieve And the neon of the supermarket Leaves me feeling unseen Sunbeam On my face A golden dream To match its pace Temperament, easy girl Your need to run is Not the answer You cannot focus But you've managed to rest Take me far I'm not about to lose it all I'm not about to do what you want I'm not about to lose it all I'm not about to do what you want I'm not about to lose it all I'm not about to do what you want I'm not about to lose it all I'm not about to do what you want
4.
It's like talking to wall Like listening to a TV The sound of your own voice Seems to soothe your need For company Every time you speak You're waiting to reply You dominate every conversation And I barely make it out alive And I'm so sick of you taking Whatever you need Why do I even expect The best of you anyway That's all I have to say It's like jumping off a cliff To drown out all your noise But the minute we lock eyes You absorb everything around you Now that I'm awake I know what I've seen Your insecure nature led you to treat Everyone as opportunities And I'm so sick of you taking Whatever you need Why do I even expect The best of you anyway That's all I have to say Picture me over the edge And I'm rambling Maybe I'm damn reserved To say anything Who am I to complain I'm just at home feeling this way Ignoring your texts And coping by doing nothing And I'm so sick of you taking Whatever you need Why do I even expect The best of you anyway That's all I have to say
5.
Open Window 03:03
When I leave this place I'll be seeing you again Maybe I'll run into you Maybe you'll have children What if we don't recognize How long it's actually been? In my memory you'll still stay The way you always seemed to me I can see us sitting at the Edge of tomorrow Feeling like an open window You let me come and go I can't even begin to Thank you for the way You carried my twenties You carried all the weight Can you recognize All the times I disappeared And I can't take it back But I've held regret for years I can see us sitting at the Edge of tomorrow Feeling like an open window You let me come and go I always loved the way the sun would Peak around the homes Knowing I could never afford To not come and go
6.
Ups / Downs 02:59
All my stuff means nothing but It must measure something Collecting dust the clutter stays A constant as I misbehave All these ups and downs I can't figure it out All these ups and downs As I walk my body moves My gaze begins to hallow Slowly I detach and find I'm watching from the outside Removed I sit right back I can't piece a single word Together, I melt into the Chamber of passing time Out of it I start walking I don't know where I'm going Anymore Removed I sit right back I can't piece a single word Together, I melt into (Melt into passing time) The chamber of passing time Out of it (Out of it) I don't know where I'm going All these ups and downs I can't figure it out All these ups and downs
7.
All I Can Do 02:51
Can we talk about How you choose What you want to see? Suddenly every movement Throws us Out of balance What can we do What can we say If I fall short Will you leave again? The things you left You left behind Remind me of The times I tried All I can do To find stable ground Is come back to Where I'm at now Everything is warm Completely restored When it began to shift Moved out of that filthy basement Sometimes in my dreams You still disappoint me What can I do What can I say If I fuck up Will you leave again The things you left You left behind Were those that Helped me see the light All I can do To find stable ground Is come back to Where I'm at now Everything is warm Completely restored Everything is so fake Everything is so fucked Everything is so fake Everything is so fake Everything is so fucked Everything is so fake
8.
Missing Out 02:28
I wanna reach out I wanna call you I wanna build this thing From the ground up I wanna ask you About all your interests I wanna talk And open up In this city With people around me I'm on the wrong side Of the stained glass Somebody's laughing While everyone's leaving I want connection But I'm missing out In the soft dinner glow All the conversations Float around me And they're too scared To dip in deep In the soft dinner glow They don't even Notice me The quiet freak To them nobody In the soft city glow I just wanna be at home All alone All alone
9.
I wanna know Where do you go I wanna know Where do you go Equal distance From one end to the other Yet I'm too afraid to move It's a comfortable container As it rolls in The grief begins to muster And I'm looking at my youth The way every open lane Was easy to use At the end of this all (At the end of this all) What will you decide to hold onto? (What will you decide to) At the end of this all (At the end of this all) (At the end, at the end of this) At the end of this all (At the end of this all) What will you decide to hold onto? (What will you decide to) (At the end, at the end, at the end, at the end of this) In the middle I take in every footstep And the way the hardwood moves I know I can't control it At the end of this all (At the end of this all) What will you decide to hold onto? (What will you decide to hold) At the end of this all (At the end of this all) (At the end, at the end of this) At the end of this all (At the end of this all) What will you decide to hold onto? (What will you decide to hold) At the end of it all (At the end of it all) (At the end, at the end of this) Where do you end up Wouldn't you like to know Wouldn't you like to know (I wanna know) Where do you end up Wouldn't you like to know Wouldn't you like to know (I wanna know) Where do you end up Wouldn't you like to know Wouldn't you like to know (I wanna know) Where do you end up Wouldn't you like to know Wouldn't you like to know (I wanna know) Where do you end up Wouldn't you like to know Wouldn't you like to know (I wanna know) Where do you end up Wouldn't you like to know Wouldn't you like to know In the summer I'm feeling Everything and in between Where do you end up Wouldn't I like to know

credits

released November 10, 2023

Produced by Layten Kramer & Kirsten Ludwig
Mixed and mastered by Colin Stewart

This project is funded in part by FACTOR, the Government of Canada and Canada's private radio broadcasters. Ce projet est fiancé en partie par FACTOR, le gouvernement du Canada et les radiodiffuseurs privés du Canada.

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Kirsten Ludwig Toronto, Ontario

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